What are you afraid of?

It had been 5 weeks since Pankaj ji left for his heavenly abode & I went to sleep that night with a feeling of unfathomable loneliness and immeasurable sadness in my heart!

 "What are you Afraid of"? I saw my Spiritual Guru looking at me with a lot of concern in his eyes.

            "What are you Afraid of?" HE asked again. 

"Guruji I am very scared right now. I have so many questions and nothing makes sense; I see complete darkness ahead, and don't know what to do;"

       "But Why are you afraid when I have always been there with you holding your hand"

And at this point I woke up; sitting up straight on my bed I started wondering, Was it a dream? But it felt so real, as if Gurudev was right by my side.

That same day I went to see my beloved Nitin bhaiya(The world knew him as Rishi Nityapragyaji)

        NItin bhaiya looked at me and asked me the exact same question that I had dreamt about Gurudev asking me just the previous night "What are you afraid of?"

"bhaiyu, I am afraid of being alone; what will happen if I fall sick, Who will look after me? I am afraid because I don't know where to go, what to do! I cannot see the very next step ahead, I feel blank right now and not knowing what to do fills me with tremendous fear"

            "but why are you afraid of being alone when anyways, we all came alone to this planet and one day we will all leave alone. Isn't this the ultimate truth of our lives"

Knowledge was not necessarily making sense to me. Words felt empty. Sensing my state of mind bhaiya asked, "Do u want to listen to a story?" 

I silently nodded with tears still rolling down my cheeks.

He then told me about a lady who came to meet Gurudev few years back. She had lost her son in his mid 20's who was a Pilot for a Fighter plane. Everyone around told her that her son was a martyr but this lady was unconsolable. She had lost a son at a very young age; She simply could not find a way out of this grief.

        "When she met Gurudev, He asked her only one question." 

I had stopped crying, losing a young son was a grief far greater than mine; How had Gurudev helped this lady, What did He say! I wanted to know..

        bhaiya said, "Gurudev asked her 'Do you want to get over this grief'? ". 

bhaiya looked straight at me as if he was now asking me this question. Was I wanting to get over this grief ?  

A way can be found only when we are looking for one! If our sub conscious mind pushes us to stay where we are, because of fear or comfort, then no solution offered is helpful.

'Was I wanting to get over my grief?...  Was I willing to let go of the person I had lost already!'

 I nodded my head, "yes, I want to get over this grief"

bhaiyu continued, "Then you have to learn to differentiate between 'loneliness' and 'being alone'"

" 'Loneliness' is an emotion. If you are going to remain stuck in the storms of emotions, then no one can help you. 

'Being alone' is a choice. You can choose to be alone even amidst crowds. A choice empowers you, This is a choice we have to make again and again."

I was listening intently. 

       "Close your eyes and take your attention to the discomfort within, the grief, the pain within. Allow this pain to solidify and now breathe it out and surrender the pain"

Every emotion causes a change in our breathing patterns. I have known this for many years as this has been the very basis of the breathing technique Sudarshan Kriya. 

And yet, to apply this principle as a practical tool was certainly a new learning for me.

I took few breaths in and with every outgoing breath, felt a sense of freedom come over me, an inner strength that was non existent till this moment.

I will never know about whether it was Nitin bhaiya's presence or his intention (Sankalp) that brought a shift in my mind, but one thing was for sure that I left the place with a stillness in my mind, a comfort that I was simply not able to get hold of until few hours back.

I had learnt 3 lessons that day:

            1. Having a willingness to get over grief or get over our fears is the first step!

            2. There is a difference between 'loneliness' (an emotion) and 'Being alone'(a choice)

            3. Our focus and attention on our breath can help transform every negative emotion 

                and help surrender the same. Consistency in practice is an important key.

I chose to write about this now because so many of us have been through an extremely challenging phase these past couple of years.

This post comes as a reminder that Knowledge and breathing techniques - are completely reliable methods for getting a grip over our emotions.

Once I had attained some inner stability, there was some exceptionally beautiful knowledge waiting to be given by Gurudev in Pune, very soon after...  I shall share about the learning s from Gurudev's Pune trip in Nov 2021, in my next blog post.

Do share your own experiences of how taking your attention to the breath has helped you in the comments section below.

                                                            Stay Healthy! Stay Happy!